My Life With Food 4: Say it ain't so, Joe

When Mike went to college in Santa Fe, he became entranced with Southwestern food and chiles. But, our empty nest provided even less incentive to add new foods to our diet.

When we didn't have to feed a starving high school basketball player, we resorted to a lot of frozen or take-out food.

About this time, I decided to return for further allergy testing. I had experienced that old feeling of paralysis more often and, although I attributed it to accidental exposure to pork, I  wanted to make sure. Sorry, Charlie. Only moments after they scratched my back, one spot in particular was driving me crazy. It was beef.

Complete testing revealed serious allergies to coffee, pork, beef, duck, lamb, salmon, catfish, crab, lobster, pineapple, orange, grapefruit, lemon, lime, barley, rye, hops, and soy and minor allergies to chicken, shrimp, tuna, milk, corn, oat, rice, brazil nuts, cashews, hazelnuts, macadamias, pecans, pine nuts, and eggs.

Now I had to forgo beef bacon (which is a little like pastrami) for turkey bacon (which is a little like a cereal box.) Have I mentioned that Chris barbeques the best steaks on earth? And that my favorite savory dish in the world is the "brasato of short ribs atop provolone polenta with sweet white onions, english peas and veal reduction" from Postino in Lafayette? And chicken, turkey and veggie burgers don't come close to a real, honest to God hambuger.

Last year, Anthony moved into a pet-free apartment and his cat Elliot moved into our house. The third cat pushed me over the edge and, sniffling and sneezing, I went back to the allergist hoping for some relief.

She started giving me allergy shots for cats, dogs, grasses, mold and dust but she also gave me some bad news. She added wheat, flax seed, and sunflower seeds to the severe allergy list. WHEAT?!

I knew I'd miss cookies and cakes and biscuits and pancakes and waffles. But I didn't realize how much I relied on sandwiches. Bread is such a convenient holder for food. And no more fried chicken, sweet and sour chicken or fish and chips?

And wheat is so sneaky, as those of you with celiac disease know well. It is in soy sauce, catsup and gravy. It hides in soups, yogurt, baking powder, roasted nuts and ice cream. It can be used to "powder" gum and candy to prevent sticking, in envelopes and stamps you lick to stick, and even sometimes in cosmetics to keep it stable. Pasta is obviously made with wheat, but couscous, faro, orzo, farina, spelt, and tabbouleh are also wheat products. I knew that beer and whiskey were out but I thought vodka was made from potatoes and tequila was made from agave. Now almost all alcohol is made, at least in part, from wheat.

But, quite possibly the lowest blow was to my identity: I am a baker. I made really good cookies. It's the only reason some people like me and now I can't do it anymore. What's a gal to do?