My Life with Food 5: Why I Need Help

Robin always says it's a good thing that Chris and Mike have each other because no one else would listen to them carry on for hours about food. Look at the pictures they each have on their cell phones: 90% are of food.

I have never been as adventurous an eater as they are. There are some things that will never pass my lips. I'm not even talking about Andrew Zimmerman's bizarre delicasies or Anthony Bourdain's still-beating heart of a cobra. And even Chris is put off by the idea of balut, a Southeast Asian treat of fertilized duck embryo boiled alive and eaten in the shell.

There are common, everyday American foods I do not like and try to avoid.

I will not eat ugly things: snails, octopi, oysters, eel, etc.

I have issues with certain textures. I hate grainy, dry beans, especially lima beans.

I never liked mushy things like soggy biscuits and gravy or bread pudding.

I do not eat cute things: lamb, rabbit, deer.

I don't like to stare down my dinner, so no animals served with heads attached,

I am terrified of small sharp things poking my mouth or making me choke which makes it hard to eat fish.

And what's with the way Chinese chefs cut up chicken? It 's like a blind man repeatedly threw a knife across the room in a fit of pique at some innocent fowl.

I am not allergic to any vegetables but I don't like stinky brussel sprouts or onions. And cauliflower is too bumpy.

I am not fond of melons, although I can eat them. The mass to flavor ratio is just too great and the texture is unpleasant to me.

I don't like to eat meat that looks too much like
an animal: chicken wings, chicken feet, lobster
or shrimp in the shell.

So I have issues.

You probably think at least one of my hangups is lame and I should just get over it and eat lima beans or whatever.

But they are what they are and, while I try to push back at times, they stay with me.

So, when you add my allergies to them, there isn't a lot left. At least, not a lot that my typically midewestern palate is familiar with. That's where having a foodie family can help.