Kansas CIty Again?

Waaaay back on August 21, Chris and I flew into Kansas City and met Mike at the airport. After a nice visit with Dr. Wu, we argued over where to eat at 8 p.m. on Saturday night. We usually have a food agenda but it is even more important when Mike is with us. Mike didn't feel hungry enough to go to Stroud's. He claimed he needed to "prepare" for the feast. We tried for Oklahoma Joe's but the line was out the door so we hopped on the freeway to Bryant's. Yeah, Bryant's for a "light" repast. Chris and Mike downed a pitcher of beer and some MEAT. I joined them for fries and turkey.

The next morning, Dr. Wu told us all about his dream: He was working in the hospital and saw a woman trying to buy cigarettes but the machine was empty. She begged him to go get her some cigarettes but he said he was working. She claimed that a cigarette would do her more good than all the medicine could. So, after his shift, he went out and bought her some. He wondered if he had done the right thing. It was a pretty lengthy speech - and complex.

We took him to Stroud's for lunch. He loved the chicken soup and tried the "mixup" of livers and gizzards. He didn't eat as much as we thought he would but he still ate me under the table. Sometimes I think we are exaggerating how good the fried chicken is. Then we bite into that crispy skin and remember why we are not vegetarians.

We went to Lin and David's for a fabulous dinner. How can one woman be such a great cook, so beautiful, and smart and a successful doctor? Sometimes life isn't fair. But then she has to live with David, who is certifiable, so it all works out.

Happy Birthday to Chris

Chris's birthday didn't start out too promising. He had fasted for a blood test and, although we got to the lab by 7:35, he had to wait for about 90 minutes. He was hungry, coffee-deprived and cranky. After a stop at Starbucks for the cure for what ailed him, we drove to San Francisco and arrived too late for the Early Bird parking.
I took my vintage lunch box full of jewelry to the Asian Art Museum's gift shop in the hopes that they might be interested in selling some on consignment. The floor manager sniffed her disapproval and told me I needed to make an appointment with the buyer (which I had tried to do via email with no response.)
Several people had recommended that I approach the museum thinking my jewelry would be a good fit but that lady's attitude completely deflated me. If I want to sell my jewelry (and I need to make money if I want to continue to make jewelry), I need to be a lot tougher and more persistent.

Chris and I walked in the freezing wind and mist to lunch at a Thai restaurant and to Hooker's on Hyde for treats afterwards. Hooker's Sweet Treats  is a tiny shop that specializes in sea salted dark chocolate covered caramels. The interior looks like a general store from the turn of the century with vintage photos displayed on an old armoire. We got one of everything that was on display in their tiny counter. The peanut butter cookie was pretty good, the sweet cheddar corn biscuit was OK and the praline cookie was a diabetic nightmare. Dodging homeless people asleep on the sidewalk and the hoodlums hanging out by the liquor stores of the Tenderloin reminded me why I like living in Pleasant Hill.

Back at Chris's office, I spent some time playing with old scanned images that I think might make interesting cards. Diet Coke battled with sudafed and lost sleep and I struggled to stay awake in the quiet office.

We stopped at Orson for a quick bite before a concert at Yoshi's.  It is a really interesting looking space, modern and clean industrial chic. We ate at the bar and marvelled at the innovative drinks menu.  The bartender explained that a mastic-fig concoction worked because the mastic's pine flavor allegedly played well with the sweet figs. We passed on that.

We shared an "explosive caesar salad" that included parmesan streusel laced with "pop rocks,"  lacy strips of crouton and encapsulated droplets of caesar dressing. We also shared a tasty pizza with grilled corn, corn puree, summer squash, leeks, and basil.

Then we zipped off to Yoshi's for a bargain concert by Willie Jone III, an amazing drummer. His hands moved so fast, I think he must be related to Superman. The quartet also featured Eric Reed, who played beautiful piano.

All in all, the day ended much more pleasantly than it began. I hope it was a nice day for Chris and it will be a good year.

Why Babies Matter: Defending Children's Librarians

I admit it. It wasn't just the crazy drunks, loud teens and urine in the elevator that sent me running from Hayward Library. It wasn't just furloughs and budget cuts and wild children left in the library all day without supervision either. Or the fact that I was spending more time on seeking grants and outside funding than I was providing service to patrons.

It was a disagreement over the fundamental question of what a library should be.

We are in desperate need of community. People live far away from their extended families. Both parents have to work longer hours farther away from home. People don't know their neighbors and it's not safe for kids to play outside unsupervised. Parenting classes and playgroups are being eliminated from community colleges and community centers. Recreational programs and cooperative preschools are being slashed because of the economy. People need a gathering place where they connect with others. New parents especially need this support. They are taking on the most important role humans can accept, raising the next generation. No one should do that in isolation.

Libraries have been filling this gap for years. Free story times and play groups and child-friendly spaces allow parents to get to know each other, share resources and create communities. But as budget cuts force libraries to reassess their programming, pressure mounts to eliminate these valuable services.

Babies Don't Need Stories

Research has repeatedly and emphatically shown the importance of reading aloud, singing and talking to even the youngest children. Children who are read to have an easier time learning to read and achieve greater success in school. Singing and fingerplays develop essential pre-literacy skills as well as enforcing the child-caregiver bond that is so vital to emotional growth and stability.
In times of economic hardship, services to young children and their caregivers are vital. Providing caring support to parents helps them prepare their babies to succeed in school and in life. Waiting until children are in 3rd or 4th grade to address their deficiencies is wrong. It may never be too late but earlier is unquestionably better than later.

Anyone can read a story, right?

Many libraries are using volunteers to replace trained staff at story time. Reading aloud is a skill. It can be taught but it requires a certain innate (possibly theatrical) talent to excel. Choosing appropriate books and reading in an appropriate style requires specialized knowledge. Librarians also learn how to incorporate dialogic reading and other literacy-developing techniques. A successful story time is much more than reading a book aloud.
Para-professionals and volunteers can be great story tellers. My friend Jill has run a very successful and exciting story time for years without a MLIS. But she has dedicated years to honing her skills. Although some wonderful volunteers (like retired teachers or librarians) have developed amazing abilities, asssuming that volunteers can provide the same quality story times demonstrates a lack of respect for the skills and knowledge of staff. Assuming that story time quality doesn't matter demonstrates a lack of respect for the community.

Consistency is vital to the creation of a community. We cannot expect the same dedication from a volunteer that we demand from paid staff. To form bonds over time, people need to know that the same people will be providing similar services at the same time in the same place with the same group. A certain level of predictability in fundamental to our comfort.
It means something when the first place a family goes with their second child is library story time. It means something when a child's first steps are across the library floor. It means something when a child buckled into a carseat is singing the songs she learned at story time. It means something when families greet each other at the library entrance. It means we have created a coommunity.

In Defense of Library School
Not every person with an MLIS is a genius. Not every library school provides a great education and no  library school is as rigorous as medical school or competitive as law school.

Research says that the most important thing in determining the quality of a caregiver (for young children) is the education of that caregiver. More important than the caregiver's relationship to and love for the child, the desire to seek knowledge demonstrates a desire to provide the service. In other words, a stranger who has made the effort to take classes provides better care than a grandmother or aunt who is forced by circumstances to accept the role. Not every librarian is lucky enough to receive TouchPoints training at the Brazelton Institute like I did. But every one who has a library degree cared enough to spend the time and money to get one.

On-the-job experience is wonderful and indispensible but rarely allows us to really think about what we're doing and why. Without at least some philosophical framework, we'll just be reacting to current circumstances without seeing the whole picture.

I love what I'm doing now. I enjoy making things and being surrounded by beautiful colors and shapes and trying new things. But I miss the experience of being part of a community with small children. I miss the parents who ask me for advice. I miss Jessica's hugs and babies who smile when they see me.
Will I ever go back to libraries full-time? I would have to be part of a team who believes that the library can be the heart and soul of a community, that understands the needs of that community and realizes that children are the most important members of a community, that comprehends the importance of nurturing those children starting from birth, that knows that the best way to help children is to provide support for their parents and cargivers with trained, professional staff. Is that too much to ask?

Alameda Antique Photo Op

Last Sunday, Robin and I went to the Alameda Antique Fair. It meant getting up extra early and skipping the gym (oh, darn!) We didn't trust the GPS and got lost a couple of times but eventually arrived after 8 a.m.

The day started out cold and foggy. Vendors were wrapped in blankets and my first goal was to buy a jacket. But I resisted and eventually the fog burned off and my face got sunburned.

We met Robin's friend Angela. Thank goodness since it was easier to keep track of her than Robin. She is taller and was wearing a colorful shirt (as opposed to Robin's jacket, the color of mulch.)

There was lots of good food and coffee, although I didn't partake of either. I brought my own Diet Coke, granola bar and canvas bags - all the better for efficient shopping.

I expected a flea market but it is much more upscale. I could have spent the entire day at one of the first booths with hundreds of vintage images.

Many of the booths were like small boutiques with very well designed displays.

There were so many wonderful things to take pictures of: collections of glass bottles refracting the sun, baskets of buttons, a taxidermied fox with a taxidermied squirrel in its mouth, and lots and lots of scary old dolls. 

Check out my flickr page for a visual banquet.

Although she fell in love with an old glider and antique desk, Robin escaped with a relatively inexpensive and eclectic collection of doll parts, glass aquarium plants, tiny ceramic monkeys and odds and ends.

Everything I bought was flat and heavy, meaning paper. I bought some fun old books and prints that will probably make an appearance in some craft project.

We were there until 12:30 and only got about halfway through. I was exhausted physically and mentally and visually.

We went to Ole's Waffle House for brunch. We had to stand in line for 20 minutes or so but it was worth it. Great service and biscuits and even turkey bacon.

Further Parenting Advice

Your baby will always be your baby.
 Diane Brown told me that 25 years ago but I didn't completely believe her. Then, as Mike grew, I was astounded to learn that my maternal instinct to protect and defend him did not abate even when he outgrew me. Then, after our last visit with him in July,  I started to think our relationshiip was mellowing into a less mama bear and cub one.
Then I got the phone call at 6 a.m. He started out saying, "Don't panic." No words were ever less reassuring. He had hit his head during a basketball game, was taken to the hospital by ambulance and received 6 staples to the back of his head. Chris immediately started searching for flights to DC. I didn't go but I did make him call me every couple of hours to let me know he hadn't slipped into a coma.
I was a wreck. And, the same day, I discovered that my first pumpkin ever was dead on the vine. And even my sunflowers are facing into the neighbor's yard, away from me.

Children must learn to face consequences.
My friend, Angeline, was the Queen of Consequences. She used to say, "Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." You have a report due tomorrow and haven't started but the library closes in an hour? That's unfortunate. Maybe you'll start earlier next time. When other parents were trotting to school with their kids' forgotten lunches or gym shorts, her kids faced the music and went hungry or got detention.

Angeline passed away recently and much too soon. I know her kids will miss her terribly. But she really prepared them to be independent and they will be fine adults. Angeline was beautiful and dynamic and funny.

She drove me crazy sometimes. For one thing, she set limits for me as clearly as she did with the kids. And her need to over-organize made things so complicated. But she taught me a lot about recognizing people's strengths and letting them shine in their own way.

The world is a more boring place without her.

Pearls of Parenting Wisdom

Having raised a human to adulthood without his spending time in jail, rehab or a psychiatric facility, I feel competent to pass on my wisdom. Remember, pearls are the oyster's way of protecting itself from an irritant so its heart is garbage and treat this advice accordingly.

1. Accept advice but listen to your heart. Read as much as you can stand and listen as politely as you can to strangers who intrude to correct your parenting. Now . . . does it make sense to you? Does it feel right? If not, ignore it. Half the world wants you to put a hat on your child, the other half thinks it's too hot for a hat. Some people think you should spank your child, some think you should indulge their every whim. No one really knows what's correct, so do what feels right for you and your child.
2. Experts speak with confidence but no one understands your child like you do. Professionals base their opinions on general knowledge and statistical data but you are with your child more than anyone else. If the pros are telling you something that doesn't jive with your understanding, tell them why - and expect them to listen.
3. Try your best but recognize the resilience of children. You are going to screw up. You are going to forget diapers on a picnic. You are going to lose your temper. You are going to be over-protective sometimes and inattentive sometimes. Make sure they know you love them. They will get over it.
4. Your job is to raise a decent human being, not to protect him from all hurts and disappointments. When something bad happens to your child, your heart may break. You wish you could prevent them from experiencing life's cruelty. You can't and it's a good thing because how would children learn to cope with adult disappointments without practice?
5. Your job is to raise a decent human being, not to be your child's best friend. You are going to have to make your child do things he doesn't want to do. You are going to have to prevent your child from doing things he does want to do. That's how we learn to live in a society and don't end up writing manifestos from a shack in Montana.
6. Think hard before you say "no" but stick with it if you do. Is there a really good reason to deny your child an experience? Is it likely to hurt them or someone else? Is it against your religious or ethical beliefs? What's the likely result? What's the worst that could happen? Limiting your use of "no" gives the word greater meaning and eliminates a lot of unnecessary whining, pleading and arguing.
   But if you do say no and then give in to whining, you ensure that your pronouncements will not be taken seriously in the future. Being able to back your decision with good reasons may not convince your child that you're right but he will eventually learn that resistance is futile.
   Clear exceptions make the rule more potent. Do circumstances make something unacceptable now that might be allowed later or under different conditions? Is it just too much for you to handle right now? Is company coming? "You may not play that game now because it is time for school. Maybe you can play after school." Don't just say no. Roll like the Magic 8 Ball and respond, "Ask again later."
7. Follow the same rules you set for your children. If you expect your child to be polite, be polite. If you expect your child not to hit, don't hit. I 'm not suggesting that your bedtime should be 7 p.m. if that's what you set for your child. But if you think a good night's sleep is important for your child, it is also important for you. "Do as I say and not as I do" is not cool.
8. Your child is going to tell you that he hates you. Usually in response to a decision you've made that will ruin his life. He might really mean it at that moment but this, too, shall pass. It's time for you to be a grown-up and take it on the chin.
   9. It's OK for kids to know you're human. If you are sad or cranky, telling them how you feel validates their own feelings. If they hurt you in some way, tell them so in the same way you would like them to be able to tell others: "I know it was an accident but when you threw your truck, it hurt my foot." Wouldn't you rather your child was able to verbalize his reaction instead of retaliating? That's a lofty goal but what's a heaven for?
   10. Moms and Dads are really different. They often have diametrically opposed concepts of what is safe and appropriate. Dads push their fledgelings out of the nest and Mamas catch them if they aren't ready to fly. It works well as a whole even though it causes tension between them. You need to be a team. Don't expect to agree on everything but make a concerted affort to talk about your differences of opinion - in private to preserve the image of a united front. It's OK for kids to see you argue about other things but don't let them use your disagreements against you. Single parents have to do both jobs and need all the help we can give them.
   11. It's your teen's job to make life miserable. They need to push the boundaries and argue and sulk and be truly awful people. If they didn't you would never let them go and no one wants their 38-year-old son living in their basement even if he takes the trash out without complaining.
   
   
   
   

Fun Things

These are some of the images I've been working on. They are illustrations for a Chinese Mother Goose. Aren't they amazing? I've been cleaning them and coloring them. The first one illustrates a rhyme about selling his fat little boy who, if you buy him, will keep your house safe from burglars. Just look at that little face! I'm getting obsessed with photos from China.

I've also been researching the genealogy of my father's birth family. It is so hard to stop when you find one name and it leads to another and another.

I've been cooking some although Chris's only comment so far has been that I am a tidy cook. It's hard to cook for two people who have different nutitional needs. I wander down the grocery aisles trying to find new options. I made turkey chili and cornbread from scratch yesterday. It's hard work to imbue ground turkey with flavor.

We went to Pleasant Hill's Blues and Brews Festival on Saturday. $40 for as much beer as you want from lots of different breweries.
Not much there for me since I am allergic to beer and it was too hot to stand around in the sun. (Sorry, people who live where it's really hot. Just remember redheads are sensitive.)

Chris stayed longer to listen but I don't think he drank $40 worth of beer.

In the garden, my sunflowers are starting to get baby flowers. The only pumpkin doesn't seem to be growing, still no eggplant or melons and the butt pepper is starting to turn yellow so I don't think it's going to get any bigger. All in all, I'd have to say that the garden hasn't really paid off. But it is fun.