Pearls of Parenting Wisdom

Having raised a human to adulthood without his spending time in jail, rehab or a psychiatric facility, I feel competent to pass on my wisdom. Remember, pearls are the oyster's way of protecting itself from an irritant so its heart is garbage and treat this advice accordingly.

1. Accept advice but listen to your heart. Read as much as you can stand and listen as politely as you can to strangers who intrude to correct your parenting. Now . . . does it make sense to you? Does it feel right? If not, ignore it. Half the world wants you to put a hat on your child, the other half thinks it's too hot for a hat. Some people think you should spank your child, some think you should indulge their every whim. No one really knows what's correct, so do what feels right for you and your child.
2. Experts speak with confidence but no one understands your child like you do. Professionals base their opinions on general knowledge and statistical data but you are with your child more than anyone else. If the pros are telling you something that doesn't jive with your understanding, tell them why - and expect them to listen.
3. Try your best but recognize the resilience of children. You are going to screw up. You are going to forget diapers on a picnic. You are going to lose your temper. You are going to be over-protective sometimes and inattentive sometimes. Make sure they know you love them. They will get over it.
4. Your job is to raise a decent human being, not to protect him from all hurts and disappointments. When something bad happens to your child, your heart may break. You wish you could prevent them from experiencing life's cruelty. You can't and it's a good thing because how would children learn to cope with adult disappointments without practice?
5. Your job is to raise a decent human being, not to be your child's best friend. You are going to have to make your child do things he doesn't want to do. You are going to have to prevent your child from doing things he does want to do. That's how we learn to live in a society and don't end up writing manifestos from a shack in Montana.
6. Think hard before you say "no" but stick with it if you do. Is there a really good reason to deny your child an experience? Is it likely to hurt them or someone else? Is it against your religious or ethical beliefs? What's the likely result? What's the worst that could happen? Limiting your use of "no" gives the word greater meaning and eliminates a lot of unnecessary whining, pleading and arguing.
   But if you do say no and then give in to whining, you ensure that your pronouncements will not be taken seriously in the future. Being able to back your decision with good reasons may not convince your child that you're right but he will eventually learn that resistance is futile.
   Clear exceptions make the rule more potent. Do circumstances make something unacceptable now that might be allowed later or under different conditions? Is it just too much for you to handle right now? Is company coming? "You may not play that game now because it is time for school. Maybe you can play after school." Don't just say no. Roll like the Magic 8 Ball and respond, "Ask again later."
7. Follow the same rules you set for your children. If you expect your child to be polite, be polite. If you expect your child not to hit, don't hit. I 'm not suggesting that your bedtime should be 7 p.m. if that's what you set for your child. But if you think a good night's sleep is important for your child, it is also important for you. "Do as I say and not as I do" is not cool.
8. Your child is going to tell you that he hates you. Usually in response to a decision you've made that will ruin his life. He might really mean it at that moment but this, too, shall pass. It's time for you to be a grown-up and take it on the chin.
   9. It's OK for kids to know you're human. If you are sad or cranky, telling them how you feel validates their own feelings. If they hurt you in some way, tell them so in the same way you would like them to be able to tell others: "I know it was an accident but when you threw your truck, it hurt my foot." Wouldn't you rather your child was able to verbalize his reaction instead of retaliating? That's a lofty goal but what's a heaven for?
   10. Moms and Dads are really different. They often have diametrically opposed concepts of what is safe and appropriate. Dads push their fledgelings out of the nest and Mamas catch them if they aren't ready to fly. It works well as a whole even though it causes tension between them. You need to be a team. Don't expect to agree on everything but make a concerted affort to talk about your differences of opinion - in private to preserve the image of a united front. It's OK for kids to see you argue about other things but don't let them use your disagreements against you. Single parents have to do both jobs and need all the help we can give them.
   11. It's your teen's job to make life miserable. They need to push the boundaries and argue and sulk and be truly awful people. If they didn't you would never let them go and no one wants their 38-year-old son living in their basement even if he takes the trash out without complaining.